Trojan War
Athena: The first myth we are
going to present is how the Trojan War was started.
Aphrodite: The myth is about how
Eris, the goddess of strife, threw an apple between three goddesses.
Hera: The apple said “To the
fairest of them all”, so the goddesses started to argue over who it should go
to.
(Eris throws Golden Apple on
stage)
Hera: (picks up apple) What a
beautiful apple! Hmmmm… To the fairest of them all… That must be me! I am the
wife of the king of the gods…
Aphrodite: I’m the goddess of
beauty! It’s ME!
Athena: You are both idiots. I
may not be the most beautiful, but…
Aphrodite: (interrupts) You can
say that again:
Athena: (glares at Aphrodite) BUT
at least I am at least a bit intellectual.
Aphrodite: huh?
Athena: Let me rephrase that… a
LOT intellectual.
Hera: What?
Athena: I said INTELLECTUAL. You
are both so thick. Anyway, I declare a democracy. Let us pick someone to choose
for us.
Hera: How about Zeus?
Aphrodite: That’s not fair! He’s
your husband! He’d pick you for sure!
Hera: I’m not too sure about
that…
Aphrodite: How about Ares?
Hera: That’s not fair either! He
has a major crush on you!
Aphrodite: And for a good reason!
Athena: Stop bickering! You two
are such hypocrites-and very biased at that. Let us choose someone impartial.
Aphrodite: Like Kronos?
Athena: What?
Aphrodite: Kronos is in pieces.
Zeus chopped him into pieces with Kronos’s own sickle before throwing him into
Tartarus.
Athena: No, IMPARTIAL. It means
he doesn’t favor any of us.
Aphrodite: Ooooh.
Athena: (sighs)
Hera: How about Paris of Troy?
Athena: Oh, alright.
Hera: Argus, darling, go fetch
Paris of Troy.
(Argus leaves, then enters with
Paris of Troy and a platter of food and drink. He sets it on a table, bows, and
leaves.)
Paris: hmmm… I pick…
Aphrodite…no, I mean Hera… No, Athena…
Hera: I can give you power if you
choose me.
Athena: I can give you wisdom if
you choose me.
Aphrodite: I can give you the
love of the most beautiful woman in the world.
Paris: Then I choose Aphrodite.
Hera: So Paris fell in love with
Helen of Sparta.
Aphrodite: He stole her off to
his homeland of Troy.
Athena: This started a giant war.
Aphrodite: It wasn’t my fault!
Athena: Was too!
(they continue to argue as Hera drags them
offstage)
Medusa
Athena: The next myth is about
the foolish, arrogant girl Medusa and how she was defeated by the hero Perseus.
Hermes: Medusa was very vain,
always admiring her reflection and bragging about her beauty.
Athena: One day, when she came to
my temple, she started bragging about how beautiful she was. I decided to teach
her a lesson so I turned her into a horrible monster.
Hermes: Geez, anger management issues,
Athena.
Athena: (glares at Hermes) Let me
finish my story, arrogant boy. Anyway, I did the same to her sisters and sent
them to live on a faraway island.
Hermes: Lights, Camera, Action!
Perseus: (asleep) Hi, Hermes. Am
I dreaming?
Athena: No, you died because a
giant chicken stepped on you.
Perseus: Really?
Athena: No, you fool! Of course
you’re asleep!
Perseus: Oh. (looking downcast)
But I wanted to meet Cerberus and Hades!
Hermes: (rolls eyes) Ok, well, to
make it short, you need to go kill Medusa.
Perseus: Yay! I get to go kill
more monsters! Thanks, Hermes!
Athena: There’s a problem. If you
look in her eyes, you turn into stone.
Perseus: So I have to kill her
without looking at her? Sounds like fun!
Hermes: You’ll need my winged
shoes to fly to the island.
Athena: Here’s a polished shield.
Keep it shiny so that you can look at Medusa’s reflection while you fight.
Perseus: Thanks so much, guys!
I’ll go kill her now. See you soon! (picks up cardboard boat and goes to
Medusa)
Perseus: Hi Medusa! Hermes and
Athena say I need to kill you now.
Medusa: Already? I haven’t done
any harm!
Perseus: (looks at statues)
Medusa: Well, not much…
Perseus: Sorry, but do you mind
if I say that you’re ugly?
Medusa: Yes. (looking angry) I do
mind.
Perseus: Well, it doesn’t matter
now.
Medusa: Yes it does.
Perseus: No it doesn’t, because I
have to kill you now.
(chases Medusa offstage, comes
back on with medusa head) I did it!
Commercial
Gorgon: Do you ever suffer from
scaly, slithery snakes? (holds up shampoo bottle) Then you need Apollo’s Snake
Away! Take it from me, all your snakes will disappear!
Athena: (snorts)
Gorgon: (glares at Athena) Just
spread it on top of your head, put a hat on, wait till all the snakes die, and
Presto! All you need to do is wait for your hair to grow back- the baldness
will only remain for about a year! Side effects include vomiting, fainting,
loss of hair, and pretty much anything else you can think of.
The Minotaur
Theseus: Every year, the king of
Crete orders us Athenians to send seven young men and seven young women to go
be eaten by the minotaur. As you can see, this is very draining on our
population, so I offered to go as one of the sacrifices and be eaten by the
minotaur.
Ariadne: I still think it was a
stupid idea.
King Colchis: Hurry up, let’s get
this show on the road!
Theseus: Dad, I’m gonna go kill
the Minotaur.
King Colchis: Good idea, son. Go
for it!
Theseus: Thanks, dad. I’ll sail
away on a ship with black sails. If I live, I’ll change the sails to white when
I come back. If I die, I won’t change them because I would be dead.
King Colchis: Good idea, son. You
make me proud!
(Theseus, Woman, and Man get
in the boat)
Woman : I don’t wanna die!
Theseus: I’ll avenge your death
by killing the minotaur.
Man: (glares at Theseus) Hey! You
won’t have to avenge her death because I’LL save her!
Theseus: Yeah right… it’s obvious
that I’ll be the only survivor.
Woman : (sarcastically) Thanks,
that’s so reassuring. (rolls eyes)
King Minos: Welcome to my island!
Ariadne: (looks at Theseus) Do we
have to kill him, dad? He’s so handsome!
King Minos: My little darling’s
growing up! No. We have to kill him.
Theseus: (walks up to Ariadne)
Hey, you want to sit next to me at dinner?
Ariadne: Sure! (walks offstage
with Theseus, comes back on and puts up cardboard labyrinth)
King Minos: Ariadne, you can send
the sacrifices into the maze.
Ariadne: Thanks dad!
Ariadne: (to extras) You go
ahead. (extras nod and go into the
maze) Theseus… I don’t want you to die… put this ball of yarn on the ground and
it will lead you to the center of the maze. But you have to promise to take me
back to Athens with you.
Theseus: Whatever you want, my
love.
Woman: HELP! HELP! AAAAGH!
Man: RAAAAAGH! DIE MINOTAUR
DIE!!!!!! AAAAAAAGH! HELP ME!!!!
Minotaur: GRUNT GRUNT RRRRAGHHH I
KILL YOU GRRRRAAAARRRRR DIE SILLY HUMAN DIE GRAAAGH (throw red painted fabric
over the wall)
Woman 1: Mercy! Have Mercy!
AAAAAAAaaaaaagggggh…
Theseus: (looks into maze) eeew.
Don’t look, Ari.
Ariadne: ok,Thesee.
Theseus: (goes into the maze)
Ariadne: (gasps) Theseus? You ok?
Theseus: I’m fine… just fine…..
AAAAAAAGHHH!
Ariadne: Theseus!
Theseus: Just kidding.
Ariadne: That was mean!
Theseus: No, it was funny.
Ariadne: (rolls eyes) Whatever.
Just get going.
Theseus: (falls) AAAAAAGH!
Ariadne: Cut it out Theseus.
(waits) Theseus? THESEUS?! (Charges into the maze)
Minotaur: AAAAAAAAUUUGHHHHH!
( Ariadne and Theseus walk out.
Ariadne holds a Minotaur head.)
Theseus: Alls well that ends
well…
(all sail back home in boat)
King: AAAAA! THESEUS!
Theseus: oooops…. (glances up at
sails) Well, I guess I’m king now!
Ariadne: (rolls eyes) your dad
just died.
Theseus: Oh. Well… I’m still
king!
(all bow)
